Story
So things are going well for me I guess. I don’t really have that much to say so I’m going to tell you a story.
So I was maybe 10 years old and I was playing roller hockey in the street with some friends. My mom came to pick me up earlier than I had hoped and I was disappointed. We went back and forth a few times and I lost and so I gathered my things and skated towards the car. As I went to climb into the back seat I kicked the side of the car with my skate. “Was that on purpose?!” my mom asked, thinking I had kicked her car because I was angry about being picked up. I knew deep down that I hadn’t done it on purpose. It was an accident. My mind however immediately went into OCD mode. My mind did two things. 1. It convinced me that I had done it on purpose and 2. It told me that if I “lied” and told my mom that it had been an accident that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. So, I responded, “Yes. I did it on purpose.” So, I was punished for kicking the car. This happened before I really understood my OCD. Even now it is often difficult for me to distinguish between a legitimate thought or concern and an obsession. If I am stressing over something am I obsessing or am I giving deserved attention to something important? Now I am much better at acknowledging the obsessions. If I kicked a car today by accident, even if my mind told me it was on purpose, I would (to an extent) be able to say “OK. I know I feel that way but it is an obsession.” But back then the obsessions were so much stronger than my thought process. I couldn’t distinguish. I didn’t know that there were two things. If I’m thinking it than it must be my thought process! A part of me must be telling me that I did it on purpose. I didn’t realize that this “part of me” wasn’t really a part of me. It was an intruder. It wasn’t mine. It had no business in my head. But I gave it as much consideration, if not more, as the competing voices in my head. Anyway, about a year ago I told my mom that I was innocent. She had no idea what I was talking about but I told her that next time she gets mad at me she owes me one!
Andrew Lustig
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