Saturday, July 25, 2009

Beneath the Surface

Last weekend, Rohmteen and I were discussing some of Andrew's posts because it seems everyone is intrigued by them. Initially, I didnt get the hype because I often feel the exact same way he was depicting in his writing. Rohmteen explained that it was more profound for Andrew than perhaps me. But really, I do the counting thing and I do fight with my conscience more often than not. I just dont talk about it... not really. Sometimes when I share it, people think it's funny or entertaining. I could care less, but I do have many of the same thoughts and feelings as I read from his posts on a daily basis.

I do struggle to "let" myself do things right and be content with it. I used to be a pretty extreme perfectionist and what you see now is a pretty mellowed-out version. I still have remnants of those times... But since I know I will be given a hard time for it if I share those feelings, I choose not to disclose them.

I can be pretty structured in how I prepare for bed and get up in the morning. I've told my roommate a few times, but I dont think she understands. Another reason I choose not to share my feelings; they go unheard. And then my conscience presides to cuss me out for being a fool to think they'd understand. It is for these reasons that my entire stay here I've not had a lot of sleep or rest. Often times, I have to wait for her to go to bed first so I wont be distracted or interrupted. This means going to bed 3AM on a regular basis, because she doesnt crash until 2AM.

In the mornings, I wake up super early for the same reasons and because she doesnt consistently awake at the same time for me to maintain structure. I say structure, because I dont know how else to say it. But I cant keep up the 2-hr daily sleep cycles and now my body bails on me, and of course nobody sees or understands so my conscience just laughs at me all the time. And I fight with it to show that I can still persist. And now that I fall asleep while I get ready, it makes it even harder. I say conscience for you guys... but I call it my alter ego, and it likes to take advantage of opportunity.

Is this everything I go through in one day? Hmmm, no! But there's a glance. I used to be almost like Monk from the television show "Monk." But now nobody would even think to see that in me. And if I bothered to explain, I think I'd get more laughs than understanding. As the big-time joker that I am scoring laughs couldnt hurt anyone, could it?


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